The other day, I was on a long drive on my bike, going up the coast or something like that and I started thinking about politics. Specifically, about the budget and ways to cut spending. Now, I hear you asking “But Skids, I thought you weren’t political?” I know. I thought so, too. But what are you gonna do? I mean I really can’t just shut these thoughts out when they show up, can I? If I could, I’d probably run for office. I mean the people who do run, and win I might add, don’t think about, so why should I? I really don’t know.
Anyway, there I am and this thought pops up saying, “Skids, how are you playing your part to help stop the growing decline of the American economy?” Scary, huh? You think it’s bad for you, reading it, but I actually heard this voice (which coincidently sounded a lot like Alex Loyd) inside my head. And it wouldn’t go away. For the next fifty miles, that’s all I heard (well…that and “Watch where you’re going asshole!” and “That’s my girlfriend you’re staring at!” But mostly the economy thing.).
So I had to think about it. I realized I wasn’t really doing my part. Sure, I was a rampant consumer, but if you don’t make much, you can’t spend much (and with what they pay me here, I’m lucky if I can buy lunch). I don’t have a savings account and about the only thing of value I own is the bike between my legs. I’m happy I have enough to keep cable so I can watch Dagny Hultgreen when I’m depressed (which I was after thinking about this). But what could I do?
I was a lowly writer. All I had was my words. Then I had it. Words. The alphabet. Twenty-six letters which, when put together in different orders make up every word in the English language. Pretty cool, right? Everything you’ve been reading in this magazine (with the exception of punctuation) is made up of groups of these twenty-six letters! Then I thought, “twenty-six is a lot. Do we really need that many?” The answer, I was surprised to find out, is no. So, for my part to help cut back, I’m going to shorten the alphabet.
First off, get rid of “F”. Who needs it? Use “PH” instead. Likewise “X”. “KS” works just as well or “Z” for Xylophone. “C” is another useless letter. Hard “C” can be replaced by “K” and soft “C” by “S”. See how easy this is? We’ve just dropped the alphabet down to twenty-three letters that’s an eleven percent decrease. Three more letters and we have the twenty-five percent Uncle Bill wants.
Work on it kids. We all have to do our part to help this great nation of ours. You notice Harley Davidson has none of the offending letters. Koinsidense, I think not.