Just trying to parse some stuff here. In the past, a friend or two would contact me to tell me of something negative in their lives and I would respond by trying to trying to cheer them up. Then a few days ago, another friend was having a bad experience and I was responding the way I usually do to which the response came: “I appreciate the search for a silver lining.”
Another friend said a similar thing a few months back, that they love that I always try and find the silver lining.
This got me thinking.
I do always try to find the silver lining. For everyone else. But when I try and find it for myself, I always feel that I’m lying. I’m like the magicians who knows the secret and so isn’t impressed with his own work. Which then got me thinking about why that is. Both parts.
The second part, the self-deprecating, seems easy to understand. It’s imposter syndrome and cynicism and just not particularly liking yourself all rolled into one. It’s easy to see dark clouds when it’s yourself in the middle of them. Logically, I know that’s not true. In my head, I can understand that, but my head isn’t always my best friend. So maybe it’s me overcompensating?
When I worked at the rare book store, a co-worker said something interesting to me. We were talking about helping someone out or what have you and I was being my usual, sarcastic self. And that was when he said “you’re funny. Most people will say they’re going to help and come off as good guys but when the time comes, they never follow through. You are always saying no, but when the time comes to get the work done, you’re the first one there.” or something to that effect.
So I don’t know.
Something I’ll have to think about, something I’ll have to work on.