Saying goodbye to 2023

Well, here we are, the last day of the year, and I’m trying to write an end of year wrap-up. So far it’s not going well. I’ve started a few times and it’s just not coming to me. Which may be part of the problem. It seems that in the last few years, I’ve forgotten how to write. I can sum up adventures, sure, and I’ve had a few this year, but writing anything with substance, like fiction or even this introspective wrap-up of what happened in the past 12 months is just a bit blocked. 

But what has happened? Mostly, it just felt like I was “off” for most of the year. It really came to a head in January when I was visiting Vegas. Driving around, I didn’t feel like a tourist, since these were all familiar places, but at the same time, I didn’t feel like I belonged, either. And I guess that’s what it is, really, I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

This year, we bought a flat, which is amazing and exciting and wonderful (and for sure there will be a future blog post about the renovations we are currently undergoing) but at the same time, it creates a certain amount of permanence to my life in Lithuania. Before we had this place, when Rasa was looking for work, there was still this small hope that we might end up in an English-speaking country (Not America, but maybe somewhere in the UK or Canada?). In fact, last year when we were touring England, Rasa looked up housing prices and job ads for places like Southampton. But when we signed for this place, I joked with Rasa that “it looks like I’ll die here.” 

“Is that okay?” she asked.

“It is.”

And it is…but it takes some getting used to. It’s one of the reasons I need my regular trips to London. In addition to seeing theatre, it’s an opportunity to overhear conversations in coffee shops and understand the commentary at museums. It’s a slightly more familiar culture than the one I’m in. Even though I’ve been here for 12+ years, there are still things I don’t understand, still things I can’t do (some of them are language related – which also hurts since I don’t speak the language) and so I’m faced, constantly, with the feeling of being an outsider. 

A few days ago, a former colleague passed away and I went to the memorial mass. I didn’t understand a word, just stood whenever everyone else stood and sat when they sat. Yes, my presence was appreciated with or without my understanding. And when the testimonials started, my friend and co-worker, who I was sitting with, gently gave me permission to leave, since while I could sort of follow along the religious service, personal recollections would have no context for me. 

Part of the problem, I think, is I wish I had more friends. Ironic, really, since I don’t know I’d have any time to spend with them. So yeah, inside the house things are great. My family is amazing and the best thing to happen to me, but outside the house things get a bit lonely. I have a weekly call with my friend Troy where we basically meet for a virtual coffee and to chat about life and writing and whatever else pops into our heads. He’s a great sounding board for my ideas and has some amazing insights of his own to offer. I look forward to those chats (and the virtual coffees and texts with other friends around the world) but would love more local friends as well. This whole making and being a friend as an adult is hard work. 

Being in a small country, a lot of my pleasures are unavailable to me. We don’t get all the movies my friends get to see, so I don’t go to the movies, which I greatly enjoy, and even when I do, there are people on the phone or talking or whatever…and it’s amazing how many English language films have scenes with subtitles. Something you’d never notice until you can’t read them since all the subtitles are in Lithuanian. Same with bookstores. Almost all have English language sections, but books here are so expensive and the selection so limited it’s hard to discover something new. 

Sure, these are problems made by my own choices, but that doesn’t mean they don’t affect me. 

So, anyway, what have I done this year? I’ve done less writing than I would have liked, but I’m hoping to change that in the coming year. That said, any writing would be better than this year. 

Okay, that’s not fair. I did write some fiction for myself this year, as well as some fiction for other people. I wrote a short story based on a video game for the game company I also wrote/edited some non-fiction, including the text for a self-guided audio tour of dissident history in Vilnius (for which I also did the audio narration). I also started a new thing, where I edit the English language subtitles for Lithuanian movies and TV shows. It’s interesting work, since I’m trying to keep the language for the characters, but at the same time make sure it makes sense to an English-speaking audience. Weirdly, even though I’ve taught a class on adaptation and had to do a translation for my MFA, this is probably the first time I’m doing it for real. I like it. Wouldn’t mind doing more although I’m probably underpaid for what I’m doing. Additionally, I was in a series of videos promoting the university and some partnerships. So my creative life is there – it exists – I just need to see it better for myself, and maybe do more of it for myself. 

I also did CCB again, which was fun, but I still felt off. Like I was a shadow of myself. Hopefully, when we do it in May of the coming year, I’ll be more me, more solid. And this will translate to a better show. Fingers crossed. 

As for travel, we didn’t do as much as we normally do during a year, since we didn’t know what was up with Rasa defense. There had been a number of horror stories regarding the various processes she’d have to go through and since timing was critical, it meant we couldn’t really leave town for any great length of time, and certainly not leave the country. So instead, we went on a couple trips; one to the coast and a couple to the waterpark down in Druskininkai. 

Of course, now that the defense is over and we have a bona fide Doctor in the house, we have the ability to go on more holidays…except, now Rasa has a regular job so we can’t just up and go like we have in the past. We actually have to schedule our trips with her work. Not an unusual problem, to be sure, just one we haven’t had to worry about for several years, so it takes some adjustment. But I think we’ll get out somewhere this coming summer… Just figuring out the timing and location and scheduling it around Monki’s birthday (she’s already started talking about where she wants her party this year). 

Oh yeah, I had a slight medical scare this year, as well as my first colonoscopy (that’s a rite of passage I could have waited longer to experience). Back in November, I woke up with a huge pain in my left arm. When it didn’t go away, I went to the emergency room to rule out heart attack (which they did, instead diagnosing a pinched nerve). This led to pain medication which gave me a kidney infection which led to me being the sickest I’ve ever been. I recovered but I’m still dealing with it. My left hand is still numb and I have an appointment next week to try and get it sorted. I suppose this is the price for getting older, but I’d rather deal with these relatively minor inconveniences than consider the alternatives. 

So what’s on tap for the coming year? First and foremost, more creative work for me. Also more regular work – I’m still teaching and I’ll do more of these other projects, I’m sure. I also want to spend more time playing board/card games. Just something different than watching TV or movies, which is slowing down for me. There’s just not that much interesting I want to see and finding the time to watch longer movies is more difficult these days. So playing games and reading more are two more goals for the coming year. 

Not that I’m not reading…I just could do more – especially of texts. I listen constantly to audiobooks, but it seems the only time I get a chance to read an actual (or electronic) book is in bed at the end of the night. I’d like that to change. Monki keeps saying we should have reading time but then she forgets and I get busy so we don’t do it. This year, though, we should build out a floor to ceiling bookshelf which will run along one whole wall of my office, so maybe when I’ll have a nice reading nook available (or even a more comfortable couch, which is also in the plans for the coming year) I’ll be able to just sit around and let the words flow over me (and if I’m lucky, through me and onto the page).

Dickens certainly had it right when he said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Sure, there’s more to that quote, but that about sums it up. Besides, that’s the only part anyone really remembers. And it fits with how I feel about 2023. Here’s to a better 2024.