Highway to Hell – Reviewed by Skids Poppe
How many times has this happened to you: You start off by driving down a deserted two-lane highway in the middle of the night (so far this isn’t too unusual). Riding in the passenger seat next to you is this drop dead gorgeous blonde (again, I can relate). The two of you are on your way to Las Vegas to secretly get married against your parents wishes (c’mon, who hasn’t done this).
On the way, while driving along this two-lane road between two ominously placed Joshua Trees, you’re pulled over by a cop whose face looks like underdone pizza dough. This cop then proceeds to take your girlfriend (he rips off the car door in order to get at her), put her in his squad car and then disappears down the road. Not drives off, mind you, but disappears into the proverbial (ooh, big word) thin air. I don’t know about you, but this sounds just like a date I had last weekend. It also happens to be the plot of Highway to Hell, this month’s video feast.
I admit, I got the tape because the back had a brief mention of satanic bikers and you, my faithful readers (as well as you guys who read the mag for the searing social commentary), know nothing gets my blood boiling faster than satanic bikers. Just what is a satanic biker anyway? I mean we have Hell’s Angeles (and Hell’s Belles, that lesbian gang), but the idea of a Hollywood sell-out trying to put the image of actual bikers from hell onto the tube makes me wonder if maybe Dan Quayle isn’t right (yeah, I don’t know what that means either).
So anyway, here we are, girlfriend gone, Hell Cop (that’s what they call ol’ pizza face) vanished with her, what’s a guy to do? If it was me, I’d head up to the Rock Store and find another girl. I certainly ain’t the guy to go against the Big D with only my Harley for protection. Now, if I had a shotgun and some Steppenwolf tapes, sure, I could take on anybody. The kid in this flick, though, he’s in love with the babe and decides he has to get her back. I know, I know, it’s romantic. He goes back to this gas station they passed a few miles earlier and the guy running things there (an old guy, played by the great Richard Farnsworth) lost his (about to be wife) girlfriend a bunch of years ago to the same Hell Cop on the same road. This time it’s personal! He tells the young guy, Charlie, all about what’s happening: The girl has gone to hell to marry Satan and he only has twenty-four hours to save her. And then the old guy gives Charlie his car, the same car the old guy was driving when his girl got stolen back in the twenties.
And does he? Far be it from me to ruin the suspense and spoil the ending. I’ll just say that we do get to take a look at Hell and meet the satanic bikers and they’re not bad (well, in Hell everyone is bad, but you get the idea). They ride hard and mean and have some great looking girls riding with ’em (including the old guy’s girl who hasn’t aged a bit). I recommend this one, especially if your idea of hell is thousands of Volkswagen Bugs.
The Skids Poppe Travel Agency is now offering guided tours of the Underworld. Contact the paper for info. And hey, howabout those “We Love Skids” T-shirts!