Nomad Riders by Skids Poppe
Why is it that all biker films have to have the word ‘rider’ somewhere in the title?
All right, not all of them, but enough to make me think there’s some kind of conspiracy around. I just sat through eighty-two minutes of a film called Nomad Riders and I’m not sure why they were called nomads. I’m so confused. What is it? Did some market survey dweeb over at Vestron Pictures decide that if you call a film ‘Blank Riders’ or ‘Riders of the Blank’ that immediately all of us bikers would pick it up. I did. I’m not above saying I judge a film by its advertising, but no more!
Sure, a film with a character named Steve Thrust would grab my attention right off. I mean, where in the hell did this writer come from? I figure a character named Thrust and a plot about a guy (after reading the back of the box I guessed he was this Thrust dude) getting revenge for the brutal murder of his wife and daughter would easily eat up those eighty-two minutes and I would get a chance to tell you (my loyal readers, keep those cards and letters coming) how much I enjoyed and to go out right now and rent it.
Thrust is played by an aged Larry Storch clone named Tony Laschi who looks like half of his face is paralyzed when he talks. Sure, so does Stallone, but at least Stallone has the build to pull it off. This guy doesn’t have the build to pull off his own ego, let alone the ‘tough’ bad guy bikers he tries to rough up. Ooooh, I’m so scared. I almost put the box back. Thrust, geez, can we get any more phallic and keep a decent rating. Anyway, truth is, I felt more for the villains than I did for the hero.
Then it happened. Like a bolt of lightning coming from the back of my television set and throwing me on my ass from twenty feet away. Like a hundred-watt light bulb going off over my head. Like the clouds parting to reveal a single beam of light shining down on me and a choir singing falsetto in the background. Like a…well, you get the picture: It all became clear. The writer, the idiot I berated only paragraphs earlier, finally delivered his moment of glory. It was summed up in one line, said by Thrust’s sidekick, a convict he got out of prison to help him track down the killers (can we say 48 Hours? I thought we could). The line, describing the outlaw bikers, was: “They don’t ride choppers, they’re unpredictable. I don’t know what they’ll do.”
This explained a lot to me. I still won’t recommend it, but it did answer some questions. I now know why those P.R. freaks put the word riders in when they want to sell a film. They don’t ride choppers. They just don’t understand why we do.